Televisioning (BH:D275)

May 7, 2012

Aamir Khan, the popular Bollywood actor has taken on the task of becoming India's Oprah Winfrey. Since this is India and he is from Bollywood, a lot more melodrama is to be expected. And it was delivered. Much eye wiping and tear swiping in the studio audience. He began with a 'perfume ad' type montage on the beach and treated the studio audience with his own version of Shah Rukh's famous "Maa..." speech on motherhood from Kuch Kuch Hota Hai.

The interviews in the first episode on female feticide, rampant among the affluent educated sections in the country, were hard hitting. Mr. Khan has promised to send a letter to the Rajasthan government requesting some follow up in the sting operation related cases with clear evidence against 140 doctors in that state.

As any Indian who has dealt with our government knows, letters are more potent than anything Hogwart teaches. Our otherwise lethargic and irresponsible ministers and 'babus' tremble at the very sight of the postman! Independent India's history is nothing but the instantaneous, far reaching changes that letters have brought about. It is so deeply ingrained in our culture that those who retired from government positions cannot sleep unless they dispatch 'letters to the editor' of at least two dailies daily.

Needless to say, the choir to which he is preaching has gone gaga about the effort on the social network. Slactivism via the television screen doesn't tamper with the complexion. This commitment to fairness (not the justice kind, you silly!) was quite the damper in Anna Hazare's operations. The old man wanted patriots to show up in open grounds and street. Aamir Khan assures me that sitting on the couch and texting would do. Thank You, Sir!

The man had hit upon the incredible combination of cricket, patriotism and cinema with his Oscar-nominated "Lagaan". Only Poonam Pandey has managed to take that 'mind-blasting' combo one step further by combining nudity with cricket and patriotism. She reportedly makes half a crore a month. Now Aamir Khan has unleashed the twin headed 'patriotic, socially responsible talk show' beast on the Indian audience. We love the mauling. Our only hope is that soon Poonam will top it...perhaps, without the top!

On the personal side, I have started having nightmares about my possible static appearance on TV. My cousin is on his way to qualifying for the local version of "Who wants to be a millionaire." I am supposed to be his 'life line.' Couple of days ago, couple of passport size photos were made available to the channel to be displayed just in case my services are enlisted. This has been the most unexpected fallout of my relativo-phobic and bibliophilic behavior.

The local version of the show is an utter insult to all the international versions that incredible show has had so far. The absolutely wonderful Regis Philbin will resort to harakiri if he were to see the antics Suresh Gopi and gang resorts to here. But the worse the quality, the more the popularity. That is the conveniently omitted subtitle of the 'India Shining' mantra. So it will be the perfect venue to showcase my ignorance in front of the population. Family honor will be ruined. Mustaches will need to be shaved